Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
