just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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