I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
