The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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