He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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