My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
