Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
