an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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