Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
