I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
