No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
