Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
