If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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