I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
