Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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