Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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