Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
