Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
