i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
