i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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