I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
