if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So squirting runs in the family.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
