God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
