I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
