he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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