WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
