It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize