so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
