I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
