The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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