I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
