the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Panties = found
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