Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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