stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
