just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
