I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
