i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
