I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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