Is it normal to miss your booty call?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
