he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
