Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
