so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I AM VODKA MAN
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
