they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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