RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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