I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
