I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
