Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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