meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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