I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
