i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
