if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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