if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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