May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
