She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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