i just had sex bonerless
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Randomize
